Smash Notes
3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce | George Blair-West
Choosing to marry and share your life with someone is one of the most important decisions you can make in life. But with divorce rates approaching fifty percent in some parts of the world, it's clear we could use some help picking a partner. In an actionable, eye-opening talk, psychiatrist George Blair-West shares three keys to preventing divorce -- and…
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Notes
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In his TED Talks Daily talk, psychiatrist George Blair-West cites the inventory that Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe built almost 50 years before his TEDxBrisbane talk. Number one is the death of a spouse. Divorce is second, marital separation is third, and imprisonment in an institution is fourth. Marriage itself is also on the list, at number seven, which is why he says those first losses usually require a marriage in the first place. He widens marriage to include de facto relationships, common-law marriages, and same-sex relationships. He then contrasts a divorce rate he puts at 45 percent with the prevention campaigns built for diseases.
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That prevention is better than cure. This is why we vaccinate and campaign for so many diseases. None of these campaigns come close to affecting 45% of us, which is our current divorce rate.
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George Blair-West thinks that maybe it's because the current policy makers are Generation X. They don’t believe things like attraction and the way relationships are built are changeable or educable.
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George Blair-West stresses three things: have more premarital sex and get married when you are older, seek equal power in the relationship, and keep caring for one another, which includes continuous forgiveness of your wrongs.
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Blair-West thinks it’s a good thing because a study revealed that in Generation X, 91% of women had premarital sex before the age of 30 is a good thing that these relationships are happening later.
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Getting married later allows the other two preventers of divorce to take play. The second reason is because the human brain grows until at least the age 25. Finally, your younger personality will not correlate with your older personality.
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These are the ages of rapid change and maturation.
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The relationships that are most stable and happy over longer term are when the couple shares equally power. They were also influenceable. Data revealed that women were particularly influenceable. Men who were influenceable tended to be outstanding fathers.
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Reliability, or the lack of it. It takes two forms. You and your partner must follow through on what you say you’re going to do. Also, you both should feel protected and taken care of.
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Psychiatrist George Blair-West closes his TED Talks Daily talk by saying the most important decision you can make is who you choose as a life partner and as the other parent of your children. Romance still has to be there, he says, but a romantic heart is not enough. The choice also needs an informed, thoughtful mind. Just before that, he tells listeners to watch whether a partner follows through. Promises that sound good and then get dropped are a warning. If a commitment matters to the other person, he says, you move hell and high water to keep it. He says those habits can also be built inside a relationship that already exists.
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