Smash Notes
Peaceful Parenting
Parenting expert and multiple best-selling author Dr. Laura Markham breaks down the three keys to successful discipline, how to properly model emotions and conflict resolution, and the coveted recipe for raising happy, resilient kids. --- For comprehensive show notes on this episode, including a full edited transcript, go to https://fs.blog/podcast/ Is…
Notes
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Research indicates that how kids "turn out" is most directly related to who parents are vs. different parenting strategies. Parents set the example based on their interactions with their kids.
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Shane Parrish opens The Knowledge Project interview by asking Dr. Laura Markham about the claim in her work. The three keys are to regulate your own emotions, reconnect with your kids, and coach instead of punishing. She starts with self-regulation. What matters most, she says, is who the parent is, not a list of tricks. Babies are born with unfinished emotional brains, and repeated time with a parent shapes them. If a parent can notice anger or anxiety and calm down, the child learns that a fight about getting out of the bath is not an emergency, and copies the calming. She calls that ability the factor with the greatest effect on who the child becomes.
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Acknowledge that no one is perfect and everyone is learning and growing. If there are particular places where a parent is losing their temper repeatedly, shine conscious awareness on those situations. Label emotions as this allows for more control over them.
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Our thoughts create feelings.
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It can be done without attacking them, without punishing them, and without "getting back at them" for something they have done wrong. Parents can provide guidance and let it stick without having to be less than loving.
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Connection is the second of Markham's three keys, after a parent regulates their own emotions. She tells Shane Parrish it is a relationship, not a method, and that it is not a different job for mothers than for fathers. Attachment research, she says, shows that by 14 months a baby has already decided whether each important adult will comfort them, allow anger and the rest of their feelings, and still meet their needs. Children revise that picture if the adult changes. A grandparent, a nanny, or a teacher who stays in their life gives them more than one model. A fight about a birthday party is often a fight about values built on those early bonds.
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When parents adore and delight in a child for who they are, the child feels valued. They are not expected to be a certain way and they know the love of their parents is unconditional.
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Markham tells Shane Parrish that parents who block every disappointment raise a child without the grit to pursue what they want. A better pattern is helping the child give up something wanted right now for something wanted more. Her example is the dishes. The child would rather get on a screen after dinner. Helping instead lets them feel like a person who contributes to the family. Repeated on purpose, that builds self-discipline and resilience, which she describes as pathways between the prefrontal cortex and the limbic system. Her test is the college student who can leave a Tuesday-night party and go study. Shielding a child from hard feelings does the opposite.
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Some parents are unable to get their child to do what they want without using force. Other parents do not want to be the parent that has to use force, so they may use bribes or rewards. All of these tactics presuppose that children are objects to be manipulated. Coaching can mean helping a child learn to handle their emotions effectively and also setting up an environment that sets children up for success and allows them to practice skills repeatedly.
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Emotion coaching. Parents tend to react to their child's emotions in an unhealthy way. Taking a deep breath, reassuring their child, and acknowledging a situation can encourage a child to consider their emotions and how to handle them effectively.
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Typically, humans are scared of emotions. Most of us were raised without an ability to befriend our emotions. Rather, they are seen as an unnecessary inconvenience. Ultimately, emotions are useful indicators of who we are and the world around us.
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Dr. Laura Markham tells Shane Parrish that people mishandle emotion when it makes them uncomfortable. In her example, a partner rushed to solve a problem when the other person only needed the feeling allowed. Her rule, for a child or an adult, is to accept the feeling as it is, remember it may not last, and love the person with that inconvenient emotion included. She connects this to the house. Raised voices push children's blood pressure and adrenaline up, including babies and including sleeping babies, and constant conflict makes children more anxious and harder to live with. A child can watch a conflict if the adults then repair it. The home should not be one long argument.
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Research shows that raised voices elevate the blood pressure of children. Ongoing conflict in a home makes children more anxious which can lead to them becoming more challenging to parent.
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The parent/child relationship is somewhat eroded because the child sees the parent as not completely trustworthy. Many parents do not know how to express emotions in a healthy way.
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No shame, no blame. Help child understand responsibility and be very involved with helping them master situations. Create a household that preaches solutions and not blame.
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Research shows that when humans are in green spaces, it calms people down. The immune system is about 50% more effective when spending 2+ hours outside.
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On The Knowledge Project, Dr. Laura Markham tells Shane Parrish that a child will arrive with a list of fears about a blended family. Parents should think those fears through in advance and build structures for them. They should also expect a rocky adjustment, and leave room for the child to say when something is wrong, instead of requiring silence. The failure she sees most is handing discipline of your children to the new step-parent. Nobody else, she argues, will give your child the same benefit of the doubt, because they do not know the child as you do. Her rule is that each parent stays the final authority for their own child.
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Often, parents allow the step-parent to do the disciplining for their step-children. There is not always trust between the two parties. Stepping out of the role of disciplinarian allows the step-parent to connect with the child in a warmer manner. Start with the relationship, not with the discipline.
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It is very important as children find security in routine. They also learn best practices for living, such as brushing teeth and packing lunches. Additionally, it provides time for parents and children to reconnect after the day.
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It depends on age. If a child wakes up on their own without an alarm clock, they are getting enough sleep. Parents should be cognizant of children who might be sensitive to light, though, and waking too early as a result. Crankiness is usually an indicator of this.
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