Smash Notes
The Kids Are Worth It
Parenting expert and best selling author Barbara Coloroso shares her three foundational principles of child-rearing, how to get kids to be accountable for their actions, and what we can do as parents to raise confident, happy children. --- This interview is unlike any we’ve done so far on The Knowledge Project. We’re talking parenting with one of the…
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Notes
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First, it is important to distinguish between choices and decisions. A child does not get to decide if they want to go to bed or not, but perhaps they have the choice to pick which pajamas they would like to wear. Age appropriate and ability appropriate behaviors and choices are important to keep in mind. Additionally, increasing responsibilities and decision-making as a child grows older helps them advance in independence.
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Own it, fix it, learn from it, and move on.
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Show the child what they have done wrong, give them ownership of the problem, and give them ways to solve it with their dignity intact.
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Utilize 3 "R's" of restorative practice: restitution, resolution, and reconciliation. A child must own and fix what they did, determine how they will keep it from happening again, and find a way to heal with the person that has been harmed.
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Conflict is inevitable, violence is not. A parent's job is to teach kids to handle conflict non-violently. Help kids come up with a peaceful plan to resolve the conflict.
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The target must be safe, a witness must be safe, and then the child doing the mean and cruel activity must be dealt with even if that means delayed justice.
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They should learn to stand strong with a non-passive posture and assertively name the cruel behavior they were the recipient of. They should then remove themselves from the situation.
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On The Knowledge Project, Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It!, tells Shane Parrish that routines matter more than threats, and that by eight or ten a child should already be inside one. She does not mean a brick-wall rule that lights go out at 8:00 no matter what. With her own three children, born within three and a half years, she and her husband took turns. One did the dishes while the other stayed, humming, naming something from the day they were grateful for, and reading a story. Make bedtime pleasant, she says. Rubbing a child's feet or back can settle them. "Did you brush your teeth?" is a silly question. Brush alongside them and model it.
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A parent should stop everything they are doing and ask the child to talk to them about it and understand what occurred. Teachers can become involved in helping stop the behavior by changing routines or patterns in classroom procedures.
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Remember the 3 "Cs" of feedback: compliments, comments, and constructive criticism.
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Parents should keep in mind that the goal is always to increase responsibility and decision-making and reduce limits and boundaries. Chores may be more dependent on where a child is at developmentally vs. their age.
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Parents should teach kids 3 things. First, be digitally savvy (starting from age 5), be civil, be safe. Through the early teen years, it is important to know usernames, passwords, etc. in order for parents to help their children. Commonsensemedia.org and stopcyberbulling.org are both great resources for parents.
Related notes
- What Are Priorities When Setting Boundaries With Younger Kids
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- How Can a Parent Set Their Kids for Success in Life
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