Why Do People Project Current Feelings Onto a Relationship's Future?

Edward Lemay says people project how they feel about a partner today onto the future of the relationship. If they are unhappy now, they often assume the unhappiness will last, and that forecast is often wrong because the feeling is temporary.

Listener Morgan is 23 and has been with her boyfriend for a year and a half. She does not want children and does not expect that to change. He wanted children when they met and is now mostly unsure. They agreed to reconsider near the time she finishes her studies, around age 29. He has told her the choice is all right for him now. She still hears hidden resentment and future regret. Lemay says she may be projecting her own certainty onto him. For her, a partner who wants children could be a deal-breaker, so his uncertainty can feel like uncertainty about her and about staying. The worry is not empty: dating couples are more likely to break up when only one partner strongly wants a child. His feeling may still be weaker than hers, and he may be willing to compromise.

Lemay adds that the projection can sometimes be the accurate reading. Major sacrifices can make people feel they are strengthening the relationship and showing commitment, and they can also breed resentment. Seeing a partner mixes accuracy and bias.