Why Do People Fall in Love With an Idea of Their Partner?

Shankar Vedantam says people sometimes respond to an idea of a partner they created themselves. Falling in love often brings a long list of positive traits: beautiful inside and out, smart, clever, and kind, as if the partner can do no wrong. Paul Eastwick's research suggests compatibility and incompatibility do not always come down to the traits a partner possesses.

A listener stayed with a man who never visited and never sent anything on holidays. The relationship included sex. She wanted love and kept trying to build a love relationship. He was not mean or vulgar. He was honest and clear about what he wanted. After six years the relationship never went beyond a very simple thing. She came to realize the relationship said as much about her as it did about her partner. She yearned for love and projected the yearning onto him, despite evidence to the contrary.

People project what is happening in their own minds onto other people. A frown, a hug, or a joke gets a private story. Instead of asking the other person, they fill in the blanks, and the story may or may not be accurate.